Can We Try This Again??

Beginning a new program, and jotting down some notes here.  I have learned to eat my way to oblivion when I feel hurt, anger, fear and sometimes happiness.  When bored, I turn to food.  I am now embarking on a journey to redefine my emotions and my emotional habits to take better care of myself.  Somewhere along the line, I learned to forget what my body was really saying, and shove all sorts of feelings down with food.  Any food.  The saltier, creamier, crunchier, fattening-ier, the better.  But what it gave me was an obese body, several health problems and increasing dischord with my life.

At my sister’s suggestion, I re-read my copy of Ann Louise Gittleman’s Fat Flush Plan.  Every time I read it, I agree with the premise.  She takes you through simple steps to make better choices in eating and exercising. Though the diet is not easy, it does help with various health issues such as food sensitivities, headaches, lack of energy, insomnia, and digestive problems.  The first phase lasts for 2-4 weeks and has been likened to diet boot camp.  I figure if I can last through to the end, I can move on to the next phases without issue.

I have 104 pounds to lose.   Let me correct that – yesterday, I had 104 pounds to lose.  Today, I have 101.5 pounds to lose.  I do expect the weight to fall off in this first phase as that is what it is built for – quick results as you detox the body.  I do feel well-fed, and I am making pretty good choices as far as what I am eating.  This is what yesterday looked like:

Cup of hot water and lemon

Breakfast:

2 eggs scrambled with eggplant, tomatoes, celery and onion

Lunch:

HUGE salad with chicken, mixed greens, snow peas, celery, water chestnuts, carrots, and a few other veggies I can’t remember,plus apple cider vinegar/lemon and flax oil dressing

Cranberry water

Snack:

1 peach

Cranberry water

Dinner:

sauteed flank steak and garlic, veggie stir fry with onions, garlic, peppers, zucchini, mushrooms, water chestnuts

Water

At bedtime, I drank the Long-Life Cocktail, consisting of a glass of cranberry water and ground flax seed.  Hmmmm.  The jury is still out on whether I like this drink.  I don’t typically like things floating in my juice, but I may get used to it.

There are all sorts of good-for-you supplements with this plan, which I have started.  No doubt, they are what is keeping me upright as it looks like I haven’t eaten very much.  I can assure you, I have.  I feel pretty good, but miss my iced decaf vanilla latte.

HYC check in

I was unsure what to write today, so I decided to write a poem.

 

My Ode to Freedom

Oh to be free again.

To feel like a million bucks

Riding on a roller coaster with room for two.

To walk down the aisle of the store

Without the shelves creaking

And people having to turn sideways

To allow me to pass.

Oh to be free again.

Like when we were kids

Able to run through the yard 

Without a huff or a puff.

Jumping without the fear

That our breasts would up and slap us

In the face.

Oh to be free again.

To know that the clothes we wore last week

Would once again fit us tomorrow.

And the tomorrow after that.

To release the fear 

That we were completely

Out. Of. Control.

Oh to be free again.

To burn and bury

All the diet mantras

That have haunted me through my days.

That have ripped and shredded 

The pages of my every day

And made me pieces of 

Who I really am.

Oh to be free again.

I can taste it now.

The chocolaty curl

Of spreading my wings.

Reaching deep into my heart

And sharing my joy.

I am free again.

I am free again.

I have found my freedom.

 

Have a really great week, everyone.

Learning About Fear

I am learning all about fear today.  Fear of eating too much.  Fear of yelling at my children.  Fear that the actual fear means I don’t trust myself.  Wanting to move ahead on my journey and feeling stuck, and afraid of being stuck.  

Don’t want to be here, feeling this.  

Now.  

Here.  

Get away from here.  

But no.  

Stay and learn what this really means.  

Because isn’t it the fear that drives me to bingeing?  

Yes.  

The fear of the flood of feelings that comes rushing in when I open the door.  A double edged sword: the fear puts me in the place to binge, then it keeps me in a place too scared to move.  I so desperately want to ‘do the right thing’, and yet, I don’t always know what that is.

Surprisingly, when I really look deep inside, I am ok with being uncomfortable with this.  I know this is a long road, and I really feel it is time to understand these patterns of abusing and neglecting my body.  When my own son has a hard day, or we run in to a tantrum, I listen, and try very hard to be compassionate with him.  I am learning to do the same with myself.  When I am frightened, I am learning to calm and comfort rather than run or belittle.

Breathe.

Look inside, not out.

Take the time to understand, not judge.

Tomorrow this place will still be here.  The same and yet different.  And you can decide how you want to look at it again.

Learning about Trust

I have dropped all diet motivations.  I will not diet for the rest of my life.  I have never, ever, lost weight with a diet and kept it off – Have you?  Kept it off forever, I mean.  I have been wondering about my lack of self-trust.  Why have I been unable to trust that I inherently know what is best for my body, and ultimately, myself?  Why is it so much easier/better/more acceptable (choose one) to follow what someone else feels is ‘best’ for our bodies?  Why read the next greatest diet book and follow their plan, without taking time each day to check in with our own voice inside telling us exactly what to do?  I have mistrusted myself for such a long time that I have forgotten what that voice sounds like.  All those diet fads send us the strong message of ‘We know what you need.  You don’t.  Trust our research.  We’ve done the work so you don’t have to.  Dieting is all about willpower.  You don’t have enough, so you are fat.  Stop eating X (insert any food of your choice) and you will be free of fat.’  Blah blah blah.  No thanks.

You know what makes more sense?  Tossing those books and programs aside and learning to trust our bodies.  I have spent the past 2 weeks getting back in touch with my body, asking it what it needs, and carefully listening to the voice that says ‘I’ve had enough, thank you’.  I am learning that I can eat what my body is telling me to eat without overeating.  I am learning that there are so many other things to do than count calories, carbs, figure out my balanced meal, that make me feel fed.  And I am beginning to shed the body fat that has kept me ‘safe’ from so many emotional pains all these years.

Looking at why I tend to overeat is the key to my excess weight.  I eat when bored, excited, anxious, tired, sad, angry.  By reminding myself to stay focused and present, I have been somewhat successful at redirecting that binge behavior into more constructive activities (mostly, just becoming aware of the feelings).  I say somewhat successful, as this is new for me, and I have moments when completely overwhelmed by stress and find myself eating before becoming aware that I am actually eating.

The other thing I have been trying that seems to work is eating slowly, counting my chews.  By doing this, I am able to really concentrate on the nourishment I am sending down to my belly.  It is important that I not be reading, watching TV or having an in depth conversation while eating, as I get caught up and eat much more than I need in one sitting.  When I eat at work with my colleagues, I have a hard time eating and following the animated conversations at that same time!  I have noticed a very subtle change in my focus when I get full.  Learning when I have had enough of something has been tricky.  I have eaten from head hunger for so long, I thought I wouldn’t be able to find my belly hunger.  But, lo and behold, there it was.  And I am able to feel just how fast I get full.  Amazingly fast.  In fact, I fill up before I finish a sandwich!  How many times have I gulped down my lunch to then want more food – and of course, go get more food and shove that down.  Then I would spend my afternoon exhausted as my body tried to deal with that brick of food crammed in my stomach.

I went out to eat with my husband last night.  I ordered the curry chicken.  It was fabulous.  It was so creamy and yummy – exactly what I wanted.  I was starving because I had not been very hungry at lunchtime and ate very little.  By dinner, I could have eaten a large building.  When the plate of chicken came, I jumped right in.  Whoops.  Stop and think, girl.  Count your bites, do anything to refocus your eating.  Ah… that’s better.  I came to a stopping place midway through.  Then, just because I am a compulsive eater, I ate a couple more bites.  No.  STOP.  I asked the server to box it up for me.  Now I have dinner for tonight in my little doggie bag.  Awesome.  I am amazed at the copious amounts of food I have eaten in the past.  I marvel at our food bills from the past several years.  Might I bring down some of our monthly food costs by eating more mindfully?  I think so.

The best part of learning about trusting myself is that if I really listen to my body, it really does tell me what it needs.  I have to get out of my own way to trust it – to really trust that it is full, or hungry, or that I will not have to eat now for hunger that will rise in 2 hours.  I have to trust that I will never be without the ability to meet my needs.  I have to trust that I know how to care for my body better than the diet books.  I would never trust raising my child to a book, so why do I look to books to tell me how to take care of me?  I have the answers, deep inside.  And I can figure this out as long as I listen to my inner voice that only wants to be loved and cared for.

I Found My Smile

Well, Hello Again.  And thanks for checking back with me.  I’ve been away for a while, but not misbehaving!  I had to rethink my life plan, having jumped into this weight loss idea without both feet.  But I’m here now, having just spent the past 3 weeks taking very good care of myself.  I am learning to take things slowly.  I am learning to take a step back and laugh at myself.  This didn’t happen overnight, so why would it change overnight?  Patience, Woman!  So I am learning, albeit slowly, to have a little more fun in my days, and more rest at night.  I haven’t slept well since my kids were born (what IS that?!?!) and have found that little things I do can really help me rest and get more sleep.  When I get more sleep, I end up feeling better the next day.  Feeling better during the day helps me make really good choices all day long – like not eating the pizza and cake at a work party today (yay!).  I find that I can clear my head just a little bit, making it easier to remain calm and level-headed when crisis hits at home.  Making better choices and remaining clam will only strengthen my resolve to live a healthier life.  I am just about ready to throw out my scale.  It is losing it’s glamor as the one that tells me if I’m ‘good’ or ‘bad’.  I’d rather just sense how I’m doing from how I feel in my body.  But…the scale is still here because I’m just a bit curious how I’m really doing.  However, the scale tells me (almost like a magical mirror) that this will be a very long process: down 3 lbs, up 2, down 1.5, up .5, etc.  So I will do my best to put it away and work on my inner scale, so to speak.  

I am finding that I smile more.  Just a little, nothing major.  But when I find myself smiling, I realize how long I’ve spent my time not smiling.  How sad.   I used to consider myself a pretty sunshiny person.  Yet, I think that perception may be a bit skewed.  When I catch myself smiling, I feel surprised at how good it feels.  That is my indication that perhaps it’s been a while since I was very happy.  Lack of sleep will do that, for sure.  And though I love my children very, very much, raising them has not been a treat by any means.  Getting stronger will enable me to ask for more support from the people around me, which of course just makes me smile again.

So I guess I can say I was out finding my smile.

Time for a New Idea…

Ok, so after talking (several times) to my big sister, I have decided to rethink the raw food idea – for 3 main reasons.  First, I love how I feel on it, but I am finding it quite inconvenient.  What I mean is, I find myself in more situations lately that call for eating somewhere outside of my house or work (where I can bring my lunch).  When this happens, I am either going hungry, or eating ahead of time and not eating with others, or finding some reason to only eat the fruit platter, or a huge salad.  There’s nothing wrong with any of this except it makes me feel DIFFERENT.  And that spells trouble for me.  The second reason is I have to make a separate meal for my children, as they do not want my raw food, and I do not want to push it on them – even though it’s only fruits and veggies mostly, nothing odd.  The third reason is I spend an enormous amount of time just preparing food – and not even for that day.  Much of the raw or living cuisine needs to be soaked (nuts) and then dehydrated to keep the enzymes intact.  Without boring anyone with the details, let’s just say if you were hungry for raw macaroons on Friday, you might actually get them into your mouth on Saturday at the earliest.  So I need a new plan – or a new process for taking care of myself.  I do like some of the aspects of my recent raw experience: the green drinks really wake me up in the morning, and the pina colada smoothies are incredible.  So, I will keep those as part of my regular diet.

I have done many different plans before – WW, Diet Center, etc.  I’m not really sure that’s what I need right now.  I did have a very positive experience with Diana Schwarzbein’s program, which I’ve spoken about here.  I will re-read those books and see if I resonate there once again.  I have the tendency to fall short (fail? sabotage? stop?  what is the correct word, here?) when I repeat something that worked in the past.  I have difficulty following through – why?  I’m not sure if it’s because I think, “It didn’t work the first time, so why would it work now?”  Somehow, it’s just easier to stop altogether.  

But I’m tired of feeling big and tired and like I’m moving down the road to diabetes and heart disease.  I’m tired of people having to move aside for me as I walk down the pharmacy aisle.  I’m tired of feeling so much bigger than everyone else.  I’m tired of thinking everyone is judging me – that my life is out on my sleeve: She must be out of control – look at her weight!  People don’t take fat people seriously.  I am sick of that.  So this is what will keep me on my path, whatever I will choose.  I know it sounds like alot of anger.  I suppose that’s where I am today.  I have to get through the anger to the forgiveness.  Although these are hard feelings to write, and to read, they are so much better than eating them away, or denying that they are even there.  3 hours ago, I had a huge salad for lunch and I am still full.  I do not have the urge to eat as I normally do when looking at difficult feelings, so I suppose I’m on the right track.

What plans/programs are you on that have been successful for you?

HYC Check in

 

Hello All-

A very good week – I had lost another 3 pounds by Thursday, but haven’t been back to the scale since.  I’ve been weighing in a bit too much lately, so giving it another break.  But my clothes are looser, and my ‘bounce’ is coming back into my step, so things are going well.  A challenge for me this week, was of course the holiday.  I have found that it works better for me if I do not tell my mother in law about what I am eating/not eating as it seems to be somewhat confusing.  We have a few folks in my family with food allergies, and after 2 years of knowing that, she is just coming into the realization that she can cook things without allergens in them.  I so love her attempts – would have loved to see them sooner, but love them now anyhow!  So if I throw out that I am now only eating raw food, she will roll her eyes and ‘hhmph’ and I just didn’t need that this week.  The answer for me was to eat ‘rawish’ and have a huge salad, focus on the veggies (though scalloped potatoes made their way in there) and be kind to myself.  You know, this is a way of life now (not necessarily the raw part, but the eating better part) and I will not chew myself up for making choices due to the circumstances at hand.  I think it’s ok to have food not on my ‘plan’ as long as I go back the next meal and take really good care of myself.  I’m sure there are people out there who think I should share with everyone how I eat now and stick to my guns (and I’m sure I’ll hear from them), but I feel I did what was best.  I do feel uncomfortable after eating cooked food – especially very rich, holiday fare.  I have a tendency toward insomnia after eating cooked food, but sleep like a baby after eating raw all day.  And I wake up groggy – almost drugged – after eating cooked food the day before, but fresh and up early after eating raw the day before.  So it seems to be working for me.  I will weigh in after a few days raw and let you all know how I’m doing on that front.

Have a great week, everyone!  and thanks for visiting!